Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is famous for having said, “Into each life some rain must fall,” meaning life is always going to throw us some heartache. This same sentiment can be said about relationships. Into each one some irritability, frustration and overall blah-ness tends to fall.

But while it’s common for all couples to go through “the blahs,” you don’t have to throw in the towel and stay there. In fact, couples that put in the time and effort to reconnect with one another often feel even closer for it.

If you would like to build intimacy with your partner, here are some easy ways to start that journey:

Focus and Listen

Thanks to the proliferation of digital media and mobile devices, we live in a world that seems to demand that we all become proficient multitaskers. The problem with this is, it’s hard to shut off this instinct. Most of us are hardly able to have a conversation with a loved one without checking our social media pages or texting a co-worker. This inability to STOP and focus on just being with our partner can absolutely kill intimacy.

If you want to reconnect you’ve got to become aware of when your mind is wandering. You’ve got to really focus on your partner and actually listen with both ears to what they say. Being heard, really heard, makes us feel loved and cared for. By doing this for your partner you will not only make them feel loved and special, you will inspire them to reciprocate the same respect.

Appreciate All They Do

It’s entirely too easy to take our loved ones for granted. Reconnecting requires that we appreciate who they are and all that they do in our lives.

Think of some things that you appreciate about your partner and thank them. Perhaps they always take out the trash without being asked. Maybe they bring you a cup of coffee in the morning when you first wake up, or they do the dishes every night. Take the time to recognize their efforts and thank them from the heart. You will both feel great.

Have Fun

Sure, building intimacy is important, but you don’t have to be so serious about it! One of the absolute best ways to reconnect with your partner is to laugh with them. This is especially true for people who have been together for quite a few years. You forget who each other used to be. But by experiencing novel and interesting activities together, you can learn new things about each other and see your relationship in a new light. 

For some couples, building intimacy can require even more work, especially if there are trust issues. In these cases, working with a couples’ therapist can help partners feel safe enough to work through their issues so they can reconnect.

If you or someone you know is interested in exploring therapy, please contact me. I’d be happy to discuss how I might be able to help.

As a therapist, I often have a front row seat to relationship miracles. Well, okay, there are no miracles really. The fact is “fixing” a relationship takes work. It takes two people wanting it to work and then putting in the effort.

Having said that, I have seen couples go from nearly ending it to being back in love, and liking and respecting each other.

Couples therapy can be a powerful change agent, there is no doubt about it. But what allows some couples to make it while others don’t? The couples I have seen recover from marital issues and form an even stronger union have all had certain things in common.

Here are some ways you and your partner can get the most out of couples therapy and set yourselves up for success.

1. Commit

Many couples view therapy as a last-ditch effort, which makes it all the more important to go all-in and commit to the process entirely. And even if therapy is your first attempt to salvage the relationship, it’s important that both parties give it their best effort.

This means even if nothing else has worked, and even if you’re both at each other’s throats most of the time, you leave any Bottom of Form defensiveness, criticism, contempt, or stonewalling at the door. These will only impede any progress that may be made.

2. Be Open Minded

It’s common to be skeptical of therapy if you have no experience with it. It’s also common to feel skeptical that your particular problems or issues are too big to be overcome. While there are no guarantees in life, my professional experience has shown me that most relationship issues are solvable. But if you believe that they aren’t, you’re setting yourself up for failure right at the outset.

Real change requires an open mind.

3. Do Your Homework!

You don’t spend money and time on college to NOT do any of your homework. The same goes for couples therapy!

During your sessions, your therapist will help facilitate respectful and effective communication and give you tools to get the same results at home. But it is up to YOU to use these tools at home.

Your relationship will not be “fixed” every Tuesday from 4:15 to 5:00 pm, it will be fixed from the work you both do on your own time. The point of therapy is to learn how to navigate obstacles and conflict as they arise in everyday life outside of the therapist’s office.

Couples therapy is a wonderful resource that helps many couples overcome challenges. If you’re willing to commit to the process, have an open mind, and do the homework, you and your partner have an excellent chance of creating a healthy and respectful relationship.

If you are looking for a couple’s therapist, I’d be happy to speak with you. Let’s talk and see if I might be a good fit for the both of you.

If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship, you know firsthand how frustrating it can be. Once two people start sharing more and more time together, perhaps even begin living under the same roof, arguments are bound to happen from time to time.

Sure, you both started out on your best behavior – you both believed the other could do no wrong. But as the days, weeks and months passed, and as the shiny newness of the relationship wore off, that’s when the arguments and bickering began.

But here’s some good news: just because you both find yourselves frustrated with the other more often, that doesn’t mean your relationship is in big trouble. Arguing is not a sign of a hopeless relationship, but how you handle yourself during those arguments is an indicator of the health of the relationship.

If you and your partner are frustrated with one another, here are some tips to help you communicate better:

1. Be Direct

Indirect communication leaves much to be desired. It also leaves one or both parties very confused. Don’t beat around the bush when you have something to say or when you want to share with your partner why you are frustrated with them. If it is your partner who has initiated the conversation, don’t try to evade it and switch topics, face the music head-on. It takes directness to problem solve.

2. Talk, Don’t Blame

How you speak to your partner is key during times of frustration. You want to be clear and direct, but you never want to point the finger. Doing so will only cause your partner to become defensive and the conversation will go off the rails.

For instance, if you are frustrated with your girlfriend who tends to be jealous when you innocently talk to other women, you wouldn’t want to say something like, “You are totally out of your mind!” That will only invite defensiveness.

Instead, try using “I statements” and pair them with “behavior descriptions.” This is a constructive strategy because I statements focus on how you feel, without blaming your partner, and behavior descriptions focus on a specific behavior your partner is engaging in rather than a character flaw.

So, for example, you might say something like, “I get frustrated when you think I am flirting with someone when the conversation is completely innocent.” This allows you to be clear and direct without drawing your partner’s character into the line of fire.

3. Stay Focused

A constructive discussion will demand both partners’ full attention. By this I mean it’s important to stick to the issue at hand and not drag other frustrations and resentments into the conversation. Try to solve one relationship issue at a time.

If both of you have been keeping your frustrations pent up and now can barely speak to one another without completely blowing your top, you may want to consider seeking the help of a couple’s therapist. They will be able to help guide the conversation, keeping it loving and constructive.

Interested in exploring treatment options? Get in touch with me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is communication. When both partners understand how to communicate properly, they feel loved, connected and secure. But when effective communication is lacking, both people can become defensive, and the relationship can be mired down in distrust, misunderstanding and resentments.

When couples are hitting rock bottom, it’s important they relearn critical communication skills, primarily how to listen to their partner.

If you find you and your partner are struggling in understanding each other, below are three essential listening skills that can help improve your communication.

1. Validate Your Partner’s Feelings

To validate your partner means to understand what they are saying and feeling from their point of view. This does not mean you have to agree with them. It simply means you can see their point.

When responding to something they said, you can validate them by saying something like, “That makes sense because…” or “I can see how you might think or feel…”

You may not always understand your partner’s point of view. In these instances, it’s helpful to ask for more information in a way that is positive and inviting, not negative or defensive. This could sound like “Can you tell me more about…” instead of “I don’t understand what you mean.”

2. Mirror Their Own Words

This exercise will require you to reflect or “mirror” everything your partner is saying in their own words. Yes, it can feel a bit awkward at first, but it is an incredibly effective technique.

When you repeat what your partner has said, you may start your response with something like, “I hear you saying…” or “It sounds like what you’re saying is…”

By starting off with this type of language, it allows you to slow down, process what your partner is saying, and can make the entire exercise feel more comfortable.

The longer you practice this skill, the more you will actually hear what your partner says and understand how they feel.

3. Empathize With Your Partner

The final step to hearing your partner is recognizing the emotions they are experiencing in the moment. This will require you go deeper than thoughts and head into the vulnerable territory of feelings. You will want to use phrases like, “It sounds like you were feeling really upset when….” Or “I can imagine you felt hurt…”

Empathizing is extremely important because it shows your partner that how they feel matters to you.

Though it will take some time to get the hang of these new listening skills, the effort is worth it. And remember, when your partner practices these same skills, you will feel equally loved and respected!

Some couples may find they need a bit of help from a neutral third party. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for each partner to practice these listening skills. A trained therapist will be able to guide you and offer advice and adjustments.

If you and your partner are interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.